Current Poetry

There's a landscape of landmines between us
It grows greater everyday
I desperately feel around for the safest thing to say

There's a landscape of landmines that holds our lives together
It's not the love we thought was strong
Or the affection that moved our story along
It's the ghost of fights past and the stories left unsaid
That leave an uneasy feeling in my heart and in my head

There's a landscape of landmines
That I would like to cross
Just to feel the way we used to
Just to feel your touch

I'm a landscape of landmines
And I wish one would just go off
Because I'm tired of feeling the way I do
I'm tired of feeling lost

The PoetTree

I recently came across a book of poems. It was published in 1995, when I was twelve years old.  I was part of a poetry group. People of various ages and backgrounds who met at Barnes and Noble once a week to share our poetry.  My dad was nice enough to drive me there every Sunday to meet with this eccentric group of people.  My parents never told me I was too young for something like that. They never discouraged my creativity.  So I started reading some of these poems written by these beautiful people who I've long since lost touch with.  It got me in a poetry kind of mood! 

So here's one of mine from when I was 12 years old...

The sun is the Earth's fire
Bowing from on high
Showing us light and dark, and
Lending colors to the sky
Ducking from the moon at night
And talking to the stars
Waving to the mountain peaks
And fading paint on cars

Thank you mom and dad for supporting my creativity then and now!  I can't remember who helped me come up with that last line...but I'd be willing to bet my dad had something to do with it. 

Truly Trying to Figure It All Out

  My husband and I entered into our relationship with reckless abandon. We turned our lives inside out, upside down, shook everything all around, and came out the other side together and very much in love. We each left marriages that weren't right for us, and we dealt with the consequences of making such huge life changing decisions. Through all of that the answer to every question was always "it doesn't matter as long as we're together". We were sure to get married about a week after we were legally able to be married. I fell quickly into the role of loving wife, step-mother to his two children, mommy to our two dogs, and homemaker. Moving right along telling myself that what other people think doesn't matter to me. The answer to every question always remaining to be "it doesn't matter as long as we're together". My husband and our relationship truly makes me want to be the best person I can possibly be. 
  So why is it that even after venturing through all of the drama and the hard times suddenly what people think matters more to me than before?  My yoga practice has helped me in so many ways in my daily life. I've learned to be able to tell myself that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, to accept me for who I am.  When I'm thinking about and dealing with just me, that is usually a practice that works for me. For some reason when my husband is thrown in the mix this concept is much harder for me.  I worry about what his family thinks of me and our relationship. I worry about being compared to his ex-wife and dealing with her temper tantrums. I worry about being the right type of step-mother to the kids.  I worry so much that I grow extremely frustrated with myself and the situations we tend to be in as a couple.
  Somewhere along the line, recently, I stopped thinking "it doesn't matter as long as we're together". I started thinking "what if others don't understand why my husband turned his life upside down for us?!" and "what if my husband starts to wonder why he turned his life upside down for me?!".
  The question I'm pondering now is how to change the way I am feeling. I am truly happy with where I am in my life. So how do I stop the negative self-talk from sneaking in and sabotaging things for us?

Energetically Crossing Over

  Wow I haven't blogged in a long time!!  I had the opportunity to go to a cadaver lab today. This is my second time visiting this lab in less than a year. This time was a very different experience. I am more educated than I was before. I am looking at the human body in a completely different way!!  The last time I went to the lab was as a yoga teacher in training. This time I went as a massage therapist in training.  Who would have thought that little 'ol me would be touching adipose, muscle tissue, ligaments and tendons (oh my)!?  First of all I want to say that the people who donate their bodies to science are amazing people. I am extremely grateful to have been able to learn from them.  I am extremely grateful to have such an amazing anatomist there to learn from as well.
  The lab director spent the very beginning of the class discussing some specific concepts with us and figuring out what we were really intersted in seeing. One of the concepts that I found to be extremely intriguing was regarding the abdominal muscles. He was talking about the rectus abdominis, external and internal obligues, and the transverse abdominis. He was stating that every single person has the muscle strength in their obligues to do bicycles. You know the core exercise they make you do in every yoga class where you bring your elbow to your opposite knee, crossing your mid-line. But he said that some people lose the ability to energetically cross over their mid-line or their rectus abdominis. See the obligues don't cross the mid-line of your body. They run into your rectus abdominis, whose muscle fibers run straight up and down. So while the muslces themselves always have the strength to twist your torso basically, some people just lose the ability to bring the energy from the right sides obligues over to the lefts (or vice versa). You are probably wondering right now why I found that interesting. Well the yogi in me starting thinking about it from a more spiritual standpoint.
  The way the anatomist phrased this was that some people lose the ability to "energetically crossover"  the mid-line.  I started thinking about the mid-line, or the rectus abdominis as representing the barriers we put up around ourselves throughout our lives. Whether they are physical, emotional, or mental barriers.  Sometimes we put up barriers and we allow them to be there for so long that we lose the ability to "energetically crossover" them. 
  For example, I try to run a few times a week. Every single time I run it is 100% a mental game for me. I have gone out and run 10 miles and felt great one day, and then the next day I go out and want to quit after a mile. I put up barriers for myself about what I am physically capable of doing. Now I know from studying and whatnot that our bodies are designed to do incredible things.  I know in my brain that I am capable of running the half marathon I've been talking about running. But then I put up a barrier that says..."what if you can't finish it" or "that's just silly, you can't do that".
  So today after cadaver lab I was thinking about how amazing the human body is. I went out and ran 6.5 miles like it was nothing. I was telling myself, I can "energetically crossover" these mind barrier that I set up about my running.  My goal is to find ways to "energetically crossover" as many of my barriers as possible. I dont think this is a small goal. I think this is a FOREVER goal in my life. Because there will always be barriers to try to crossover!

Ahimsa - Non-Violence

Yamas are the first limb of the yogic eight limbed path. Their are five yamas that Patanjali describes in the yoga sutra.  The first yama is ahimsa or non-violence.  Generally ahimsa is thought of as compassion for all living things. It's a general mindset of "do no wrong" in your daily life. It means kindness, consideration, and compassion in everything we do and in our dealings with other people. 

This concept sounds simple enough. Finding kindness and compassion within yourself and giving it to others around you. How difficult could that be? Now lets throw in the added twist of being kind and compassionate to yourself as well. In all of your thoughts about yourself on a regular basis.  I would be willing to bet that that's a tall order for most people.  I know it is for me!

Most of us dont walk around getting into physical confrontations with people when they make us unhappy (MOST of us). However, most of us do walk around thinking negative thoughts about others.  If you are someone who is reading this, reflecting, and thinking "I have no idea what she's talking about", well good for you. But I'll put myself out there to say that I do think negatively about people way more often than I should.  Then I step into a yoga studio and almost immediately begin to think negative thoughts about myself during my yoga practice.  Those negative thoughts about myself follow me around throughtout my day more often than not.  Ultimately I would say that I am seriously lacking in my practice of ahimsa!

I've decided to set some goals for myself in order to make ahimsa a priority in my life.  First, in my dealings with others, my goal is to take a deep breath and really try to put myself in other peoples shoes.  I think that taking a few seconds to breath and think about how the other person must be feeling would really help me to find compassion.  We all see things from different perspectives. While I may not immediately understand someone else's perspective or reaction to something, I know I can find it in me to understand. I don't want to expend my energy being irritated or upset. I want to send positive energy to those around me. 

Secondly, in my attitude towards myself, I'm working on accepting myself for exactly who I am right here in this moment. I'm working on being kind to myself. I am my own harshest critic! I know it's important to have goals and work towards them. I'm also realizing that it's equally important to appreciate where you've come from. I find that generally I'm so focused on pushing forward that I don't always appreciate and respect the here and now.  I'm constantly thinking about how I could have done better or I could be further along in whatever endeavor I'm working on 

I'll be making a conscious effort incorporating ahimsa into my daily life, in everything I do. I'm sure I'll have my up's and down's with it. I'll be sure to monitor my progress!

The Eight Limbed Path

In yoga teacher training we were recently give the assignment to write about what yoga is to us. Yoga is the deepest spritual, mental, and physical awakening I have ever experienced.  It is the moving meditation that grounds me, that encourages me to show up on my mat, and to show up in my life. Yoga is my inspiration to express gratitude, kindness, compassion, and love in my daily life to everyone around me.  It's far from just a form of physical exercise.  Yoga is my way of life.  Some people have a set of religious values that they follow and worship. I have never been a religious person.  Then all of a sudden yoga and I collided and I would say that yoga has become my religion. 

The eight limbed path is a holistic approach to a yoga practice.  However, this approach is carried off the mat and into a yogis daily life. 

1. Yama :  Universal Morality
2. Niyama: Personal Observances
3. Asanas: Body Postures
4. Pranayama: Breathing exercises
5. Pratyahara: Control of the Senses
6. Dharana: Concentration and cultivating inner perceptual awareness
7. Dhyana: Devotion, Meditation on the Divine
8. Samadhi: Union with the Divine

In the next few blogs I intend to go through this eight limbed path in more detail.  The first two limbs are ethical precepts called yamas and niyamas. Yamas are suggestions on how we should deal with the people around us. Niyamas are suggestions on how we relate to ourselves inwardly.  For me the appeal to this way of thinking is that it's not a list of do's and don'ts.  They guide us into following our fundamental nature, which is compassionate, kind, and understanding. 

Asana is the practice of physical postures.  Which is what people generally think of when they think of yoga. Pranayama is the measure, control, and directing of the breath. Pratyahara directly translates to "to withdraw oneself from that which nourishes the senses." Which implies to withdraw the senses from attachment to external objects.

Dharana translates into "immovable concentration of the mind". Generally meaning to hold concentration or focus of attention in one direction.  Dhyana means worship or profound and abstract religious meditation.  Finally Samadhi means union with the divine or to bring together. 

Now this blog has turned out to be a more technical blog than normal.  In the next few blogs I'd like to delve further into this eight limbed path. Maybe together we can figure out how these concepts and guidelines can fit into our daily lives.

Divine Vessel's

How many of us look in the mirror everyday and wish we could change something about our physical selves?  Oh my nose is crooked, or my thighs are too big, etc..  It's normal to feel the pressure from yourself and society to look a certain way on the outside.  Part of what drew me to yoga in the first place was the things it did for my outward appearance.  How would it change your ideas of self-care if you began to look at your physical body as a vessel for the divine?  Whatever the divine is for you of course.  How would it change things for you if you started thinking of your physical welness and spritual wellness as interconnected?

I had the amazing opportunity last week to attend an anatomy class at a Cadaver Lab.  The thing that became obvious to me is that for the most part we all have the same muscles, ligaments, tendons, organs, etc...  The way these things function may be different for some of us.  But we're all composed of basically the same things. Our bodies are built to function like machines. There is a give and take for everything. Everything is balanced.  Then for some of us after years of abuse functions within our bodies move out of balance.  We wonder why we can't eat certain things without feeling bad afterwards. Or we wonder why we aren't as flexible as we used to be, or can't run as fast as we once did, etc... 

This made me examine some of my habits.  This made me think about perfecting my body from the inside out in order to feel well. And when I feel well I can then begin to focus on using my body, my vessell, for a greater purpose.  The message I'm taking away is to worry less about perfecting my body on the outside, but to perfect my body from the inside out.  Bringing awareness to the things my body needs. I want to make decisions for my body that are based on overall wellness and balance as opposed to giving in to cravings, lustfulness, and addictions.  Things can be as simple as bringing awareness to the fact that that extra cup of coffee is going to give you a stomach ache.  I'm not talking about knowing everything there is to know about the human body and its systems. I'm talking about listening to your body and becoming aware of what you really need.  Easier said than done though!

To me the key to this concept of wellness is moderation.  If I spend all my time focusing inward I will easily miss important things outside of me.  If I tell myself NO all the time, I will beat myself up for every moment of weakness.  I just want to figure out a way for my physical body to feel well and function well, so I may focus attention on my mental and spritual well being as well.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I can really focus on one thing at a time...it's all connected. 

There's an old fable of an astronomer who would wander around the town each night studying the skies. One night while he was staring up at the heavens he fell into a deep well.  The neighbor who finally heard his cries said "Why probe the skies when you can't even see what's here on earth?" 

I feel like you need to find a way to ground yourself in your physical well being in order to be able to see what else is out there!